Is It Time To Ask For Help?
No one knows, exactly, what it takes to hit bottom. If I could come up with a standard formula, I’d be a billionaire. The fact is: it’s different for every person. But I have learned a couple of things. The first one is this: Coming to the end of myself was the best thing that ever happened to me next to Jesus. Secondly, if someone hasn’t hit bottom yet, they can pray for it. I am amazed at the things I can ask God to do for me, when before it never occurred to me to ask at all!
When I found myself facing the reality of my addiction, I discovered that admitting my need for help had to be the initial step towards freedom. It’s about giving up . . . in the best possible sense of the word. It usually sounds something like: “This has got to change. I can’t stand living like this for one more second. BUT - I - CAN’T - CHANGE - IT.” I can’t figure it out. I can’t read enough information, work through enough self-help books, talk to enough people, confess enough scripture, or make enough promises. I can’t stop
. . . in my own strength.
When I finally arrived at this crossroad, it felt a lot like failure for the simple fact that I couldn’t accomplish the goal on my own. Not for one second did I like admitting that I needed help. That was paramount to admitting weakness or saying that something was actually wrong with me. After all those years of trying to look perfect, admitting that I wasn’t perfect was like trying to swallow a golf ball. And, if I needed help, that meant I was going to have to depend on someone else, and I didn’t know how to do that. I didn’t want to do that. I felt like I couldn’t depend on people when I was growing up, so what was going to make it any different or any better now? Besides, I really didn’t want anyone else in the driver’s seat; that had been my private space for a very long time.
Walls of Resistance.
. . . But there’s something about hitting bottom that melts down resistance like butter in a hot skillet. Pride and fear take a back seat. When you’re drowning, and you don’t want to drown, does it really matter that you can’t swim as well as you thought you could? Does it matter that your own strength isn’t enough? Does it matter that you can’t save yourself? In the face of death, that all becomes a moot point. Your focus changes; you just want to be saved.
So, in December of 2013, that’s where I found myself. I had been bingeing several times a week for three or four months, which was excessive even for me. And after forty years of using mountains of food to deal with life, I realized it no longer brought relief from the anxiety, loneliness, and self-hatred. I was miserable when I took the first bite, and miserable when I took the last. Frankly, it’s pretty scary when your “go-to-pain-reliever” stops working, even if the relief is only temporary. But that’s where I was. And I knew if I didn’t start making a different choice, I would go to my slow, agonizing death with this millstone of addiction still hanging around my neck. I couldn’t stand the thought. I was willing to do whatever it took to break out of this addictive lifestyle. . . . I was ready.
Are you?
An invitation to prayer:
Father God, I’m choosing to believe that You can help me hit bottom. You can bring me to the place where I’m ready to admit my powerlessness, as well as my need for a source of power greater than myself. Please help me get there. And I thank You for guiding me to the people, places, and resources that will support me on the path of recovery. In Jesus Name I pray, Amen.
